How I Learned To Do Chair Massages Part 12

The Morgue Story

I’m doing my darndest to write the next series, which is about learning the art of science of professional storytelling (for adults) and stand-up comedy, but as usual, the brain isn’t cooperating very well, especially with winter coming in. I was going to save The Morgue Story for another time, but it does belong in the Chair Massage series, and I want to give you something to enjoy until I can finish the next series. 

Fair warning! This story is kind of medically creepy, so if you freak out easily, you might want somebody else to read it first. 

One time, a young lady was telling me some of her adventures in college. By the time I sat down in front of her to massage her hands, I was so engrossed in her story, I wasn’t paying that much attention, but did notice there was something funny about her hand; something just didn’t feel quite right. Then I looked down and noticed she didn’t have a right thumb, and there were scars all the way up to her wrist. So I kind of flapped it in the air and said, “What in the world did you do, Woman?” She said, “My mother was mowing the lawn to get it ready for my third birthday party. I fell off her lap while she was ducking under some tree limbs, and she ran over my thumb with the mower.” All I could think to say was, “Ow, I bet that hurt! Obviously, it didn’t just cut your thumb off, it ripped it out.” She laughed and said, “Yeah, it sort of spoiled my birthday party.”

She worried that I would freak out when I noticed it, so I told her that I used to help out in the emergency room when I was hospital security as an Air Force cop. I told her I can handle blood and guts with no problem, just don’t show me anything gross like infection or snot, or you’ll end up wearing my lunch.

By this time, her mom and sisters had come back to pick her up, and sat down to hear about the time I got called down to the emergency room to help take a body down to the morgue. The two nursing techs who’d been assigned this joyous job didn’t really need my help, but they were both my friends, and male, and I think they wanted to try to creep me out. 

Somebody had been in a car accident and gone through the windshield. The body was covered up when I go there, of course, but the blood from the facial wounds came right through the sheet. They told me the man had hit the pavement so hard, his jaw had disconnected and he didn’t really have a nose left. 

All we had to do was take the stretcher to the elevator, take it down to the basement, open the morgue, put the body in the cooler, and sign a report for the pathologist, certifying that we had put the body in the right place. I had been to the morgue before, in fact, the pathologist had let me watch a partial autopsy there. But this was a bit different; it was three o’clock in the morning, there was nobody around, and all three of us were only about nineteen years old. 

There were also some things we didn’t know about bodies, such as the fact that they can make noise when gas starts moving around inside. This one kept making grunting sounds every time we went over a little bump, so we were already kind of freaking out by the time we got to the elevator. We’d forgotten that this elevator was a little temperamental, and I am convinced to this day that it had a wicked sense of humor. It waited until after the doors had closed and we couldn’t possibly get out. Then it gave a huge lurch, and all of a sudden, the body sat up on the gurney, and the sheet fell off its face. The broken jaw, of course, dropped almost to its bellybutton, the eyes popped open and stared at us, and it emitted this horrible groan. 

How I Learned To Do Chair Massages Part 11

Newbies

In my experience, professional vendors tend to be smart and resourceful people, and very independently minded. They can fix any problem, or like me, they can trade something to get somebody else to fix their problem. They will bend over backwards to help somebody, or to teach newbies the tricks of the trade, because they’ve come to understand the benefits of reciprocity. 

They don’t, however, appreciate somebody being really inconsiderate, such as running a loud generator all day, (or worse, all night.) Generators can be insulated pretty cheaply so they don’t make that much noise, but many newbies don’t know that. They don’t want to listen to the racket their generator makes all day, so they’ll set it way in the back of their selling space, not thinking about it bugging all the other vendors around them. 

Vendors like to take care of problems on their own, so they’ll usually just go over to the offender and politely ask them to either cover the generator up, put it in their trailer, or turn it off when they’re not using it.  Most people are not intentionally being inconsiderate; they just didn’t think about it. There are always some idiots, of course, who will pull the “I paid good money for this space and the generator, and I’ll do whatever I want to with it” attitude. They are the ones who end up with their generator wires crossed (or missing if they try to be real jerks.) It’s amazing how many unemployed electricians become vendors. 

Another problem is vendors, again, usually newbies, who don’t bring any change, and then have to continually ask their neighbors for fives and ones when a customer hands them a twenty dollar bill. It doesn’t make for good relationships, either with your neighbors or your customers. I’ll confess that I did it at Mesick, just because I hadn’t thought of it, and had brought hardly any change with me, because I wanted to save my money. Fortunately, my new friends took mercy on me. They made sure I had enough change for that weekend, then told me to always bring lots of fives and tens, keep that money very close to me, and try not to let anybody pay me in fifty dollar bills. 

Having your dog in front of your RV or tent can be either your greatest marketing asset, or your greatest problem, depending on how dumb you and/or the dog are. Most people love to pet dogs, especially if they don’t have one of their own, and will feel guilty if they don’t buy at least something from you. In that way, a dog can be your greatest attraction, IF, it’s a nice dog that’s used to people and other dogs.

However, if your dog yaps or barks every time somebody goes by your place, you’ll lose lots of customers, and probably make your neighbors mad. You will have to expect that people will want to pet your dog. In fact, right or wrong, they sort of feel they have a right to pet your dog, so don’t bring something that will snip at people; Pomeranians are famous for that. 

Many attendees like to show off their own dogs, so if you have a breed that will attack every canine in sight, you’d better leave him home, or at the very least, tie him in back of your RV where nobody can see him.

Another problem, of course, is dog poop. Keep in mind that it can be quite a distance between your RV and the nearest field, and you would do well to bring (and USE!!! ) some pooper bags in case he doesn’t quite make it. Same thing if he poops on your site; nothing will drive away your customers, or worse, your neighbor’s customers, than the smell of dog poop floating in the wind. Some shows won’t even allow you to bring your dog because too many people got stupid with them.

How I Learned To Do Chair Massages Part 10

Great Way To Pick Up Stories

Since that weekend, I’ve done chair massages at motorcycle rallies, art shows, a fiber arts fair, a (very cold) hot air balloon festival, a multiple sclerosis fundraiser, and a triathlon. Oh, and an Amish Quilt Show and a Firemen’s Memorial. It’s a great way of picking up stories for any future books or a storytelling venue; not the most productive way of making a living. I’ve never been able to make more than about $150 over expenses, even when I had a week to do it at a country fair. And I’ve lost my shirt more than one time.  Not to mention, it takes a couple of days to recover from these things, not including catching up with the laundry, the dishes and my email. And yet, most of them are a lot of fun.

Some places just seemed to have a magical way about them; where people, like in Mesick, went out of their way to befriend me. The Gold Wing motorcycle rally was like that; they invited me to their bonfires, told all their friends to come see me, and keep me well fed! I even won the “Motorcycle Ken Doll” they were raffling off. Ken is still in his original package, and I’m hoping he’ll be able to pay off my student loans in about twenty years, or at least buy me my cute little retirement trailer, complete with required bulldog. 

I’ve learned to always get to the grounds early, so that I’ll have time to help people carry things from their trucks and put their tents up. That’s when the interesting friendships and trades and invitations start happening. It takes me a whole twenty minutes to get set-up, including getting the tent up or down, but many vendors have a huge inventory, (and the tent to go with it) and it takes them several hours to set-up and take-down, so they  really appreciate any volunteered help. Usually, I end up with the mundane job of carrying things back and forth, but once, I got the delightful job of walking a puppy for two hours. Why they thought it was a good idea to sell a puppy at a fair, I don’t know, but somebody did take her home. 

How I Learned To Do Chair Massages Part 9

Something I Didn’t Like

 

NOTE TO READERS: I am sorry; I just checked back on the blog and found out that Part 9 and 10 for the “Chair Massage” series did not post, and I’m not sure why. So here is Part 9, 10 and 11. Again, sorry sorry.

Marly

Shawn and Ray and I were talking, and a fairly young man with a pronounced limp and a cane was perhaps five paces from my tent, looking longingly at the chair as he walked. Though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why, there was something I didn’t like about the man, even from that distance. But I had to keep my bottom line in mind, so asked if he’d like a sample massage so he could judge my work, yada, yada, yada and told him how much I charged. 

 He sat down in the chair and told me he’d had a car accident and broken his back, so I’d have to be really careful. Normally, he would have had my full sympathy because back problems can be extremely painful and debilitating. But he spent the entire time I worked giving me this huge sob story about how mean his mother and physical therapists and doctors were to him, etc. etc in this extremely whiny voice. It was real obvious to me that this was a play for sympathy, and I suspected he did it to everybody he met. I think he was trying to make me feel guilty about charging this poor handicapped victim, and was hoping I’d drop the fee. 

 In fact, he started walking off without paying me while I was distracted with cleaning the chair. He was right in front of Shawn and Ray when I tapped him on the shoulder and told him he owed me five dollars. He whined that he didn’t think he had to, that he thought the massage was free. At this point, both Shawn and Ray kind of surrounded him, and smiled this very dangerous smile. The guy took the hint that he’d be “invited” to a blanket party if he didn’t pay up, so made this big elaborate show of counting out five dollars, hoping, I’m sure, that I’d tell him not to worry about it, or at least only charge him a few bucks. Nope, with that little act, I wanted my full five; in fact, I wanted closer to fifteen; my tip, you know.

 After he crawled away, Shawn and Ray made their own big elaborate show of flexing their muscles and cracking their knuckles and jabbing right hooks into the air, saying, “You don’t wanna pay her, we’ll take it out of your hide, boy!” Actually, I think I could have taken him myself if I’d wanted to, but it was nice to know I had friends who would watch my back for me. 

 I’d never experienced that degree of friendship from so many people, especially in such a short amount of time; not from the Air Force, not from any job I’d had, not even from any of the churches I’d attended over the years. Made me want to find a better housing and heating arrangement and move in permanently. If I had a decent bed and a shower that was a little closer, I think I could live like a gypsy if I got to keep all my friends.

Dear Readers: I'm curious; how many of you have experienced this phenomenon of finding a ton of loyal friends in one place? Do me a favor; pop onto comments and tell me about it. That sort of story always makes me feel good.